Saw this at the bottom of one of
the Groupon Daily deals.
Kind of funny.
Each time you visit a doctor, the physician will run a series of 47 basic tests to quickly determine how alive you are. Here are some tips for passing four of the examinations you'll be subjected to at your next checkup:
Breathing Test: Doctor makes you blow into a brown paper bag for two minutes.How to Pass: When the doctor hands you a lunch-size bag, tear it up and tell a story about how you could probably inflate a 30-gallon plastic trash bag with your mouth if someone made you.
Temperature Test: Doctor makes you sit in a bathtub full of ice and tracks how long it takes you to melt the cubes. How to Pass: Speed up the process. Either lower the melting point of water by filling your pockets with something salty, such as ballpark pretzels, or increase your body temperature by asking the doctor to hug you.
Hair Growth Test: Doctor has you stand against wall, where he or she has marked off the length of your hair at your last visit. How to Pass: Impress the doctor by growing your hair right in front of him or her. Just train a long-haired animal to sit perfectly still on your head and slowly inch backward when the measurement is taken.
Pulse Test: Doctor counts your heartbeats by simultaneously pressing his or her ear against your chest, and his or her fingers against your neck and wrist, where your two smaller hearts rest. How to Pass: Slow down your heart rate until it is completely undetectable. The doctor will be left with no choice but to pass you because admitting failure is one of a doctor's greatest fears, in addition to horses that eat people.